I’m sure we have all heard sayings
about how “boys will be boys”, “men will be men”, or “men only want one thing”,
and I’m sure that we’ve heard it from multiple sources; from our peers, from
strangers as they pass by, the media, and even from family members. I still remember when my mom sat me down when
I was about sixteen and told me “women have to be the smart ones because men
think with a whole other brain”.
I’ve talked to my fiancé and some
other male friends of mine about what their parents told them during “the talk”
and all the men I talked to, said it was their dad giving them “the talk” and
they were told to “be safe and don’t get into too much trouble”. Really? How is it that women are told to
protect themselves and that they have to be the ones using their head in these
intimate situations but men are told to have fun and be safe? This is a part of the double standard that
we’ve addressed in class as well as in many of our readings.
VERSES
In Jessica Valenti’s The Cult of Virginity reading, she discusses
the double standard that is created with virginity as her main topic. She discusses that virginity for women is
seen as what makes a woman pure and “good” whereas for men to be masculine he
can’t be a virgin, and in fact she’s found that there is no definition for a
male virgin. When I was talking to my
fiancé he said that something that he has heard a lot is that if you are a man
and you’re with a woman her “number” is three more than she says, because
otherwise she could be seen as a slut, and for men their “number” should be
divided by three, because they want to prove their masculinity. Yikes!
IF this were true it would seem as if everyone has something to hide,
but why? Because this is how we’ve been
taught to think. The picture below is of a woman justifying that being a slut is okay because she acts like a man. Therefore it is okay for men to have lots of sex.
The double standard was also addressed in the lecture I attended by Dr. Jackson Katz, who is a very well known anti-sexist male activist. Although a lot of his talk was about gender violence and men's violence towards women it made me think about the double standard of sex. In Dr. Katz's analogy he used a pyramid to describe men. At the top are the men who perform acts of violence against women and at the bottom are the men who could recognize the violent behavior and who could do something about it by educating other men. This made me think about the double standard of sex because for men it is seen as a way to have power and to show masculinity but for women it isn't about power or femininity, but instead it is about staying as pure and "innocent" as possible because it is desirable.
So who needs to be more educated? Do you think men need to be educated to protect themselves as much as women are? How do we change the mentality that sex isn't about masculinity and power and do we need to? Or should we take a different approach and teach women that it is okay to have sex, that it doesn't take away from their "purity"? Do you think that sex should have different associations and connotations that come along with it? My mom always told me (in conversations I was slightly uncomfortable with at the time, but now appreciate) that it should be something a lot more special than dating a few weeks or months. How are those kinds of associations different than what we see in society and do they need to change? If so then how? What are your thoughts?
Hey Brogan, great post; this gave me a lot to think about and I liked how you connected your topic and class readings to the talk by Dr. Katz. In an ideal world I would want to see our discussions about sex and sexuality change. I think sex education (aimed at both men and women equally) needs to address the concrete physical and financial consequences of sex, not moral ones. As Jessica Valenti pointed out, there is no medical definition of virginity, so somehow our society’s handling of sex needs to shift away from discussions of “purity” and “virtue” and place more of an emphasis on STD, pregnancy, and sexual violence prevention. Also, I think the double standard you brought up is important, and something that no one can deny. I recently watched the movie Juno, and although I think this is a cute movie that sends a good message about adoption and family, it definitely reinforces the sexual double standard. Paulie Bleeker, the teenage boy who gets Juno pregnant, does not have to face any of the consequences of the pregnancy that resulted. It is Juno, the teenage girl, who finds a family to adopt the baby and who is faced with being stigmatized by her community, meanwhile Paulie continues to live life free of consequences for his sexual mistakes. Thus, the double standard exists everywhere, even in funny indie films.
ReplyDeleteMichelle- You are totally right about Juno! I know that besides just that one movie that ever since we started this class I feel myself overanalyzing everything I watch! Some of the things I knew didn't feel right but didn't know how to explain it and now being in our class I feel like I have the vocabulary and definitions to explain to myself what I'm seeing. I think the point you bring up about sex being about the physical and financial consequences! That is a really good point! And speaking to that I had a teacher in high school (my biology teacher) who told us one day that men are involved for 15 minutes while we, women, have to carry the "consequences" for 9 months, not that I think that a baby is a consequence because I love children. But that has always been something that has stuck with me since then. We as women I feel are pretty aware of the things that can happen and I feel like there needs to be a lot of education more directed towards men that things like that are serious. Even in the show "Friends" when Rachel tells Ross that she is pregnant he has almost a panic attack and goes to grab the box of condoms where he realizes they are only effective a certain amount of the time. While this is my favorite t.v. show and Ross makes a funny scene out of it, I agree with you that there should be better education about consequences of sex rather than making it a moral issue.
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right! I think sex education should be reevaluated and considered an opportunity to remedy problematic thinking among boys and girls! I think men and women should receive a reinvented education equally. I think an importance in identifying self-worth and value independent of the body should be emphasized when teaching women. I think the troubling aspects of "slut shaming" should be put into context for everyone. Shaming a woman for sleeping with a man is objectification at its root. Her value decreases with "use" as if she's a commodity or good, and associating woman with objects becomes a scary place that may lack empathy. To wrap it up, an elevated level of discourse about safety (prevention of pregnancy, STI's, and abuse) should be included! Hopefully the incorporation of conversations like that will help to dissolve the double standard that exists!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you! A complete reinvention of sex education would be a really good step for society to take! Maybe even incorporate it into other media such as television shows or magazines?! I once heard a story of an elementary school teacher who taught discrimination by splitting up the class and for the first half of the day one part of the class got things like being the ones called on for answers, sitting at the front of the classroom, etc, and they started treating the other half of the class as if they were "below" them. After recess the teacher switched the roles of the students. The next day she talked to the class about how they had felt and I think it was a great way to explain and teach discrimination to young kids. Maybe a similar technique should be taken on sex education? I'm not sure how that lesson plan would work but maybe something like that could be drastic enough to provide a well rounded lesson to kids.
DeleteI couldn't agree with you more!!!! I feel that men are always taught have fun and women have fear and pressure always. I mean being a virgin and always being told how bad it hurts or dont have children or even its a shame that you have had sex is awful. Men have no visible marker that they have had sex and can always lie that they havent even though they have. I feel the importance to letting women know it is okay to have sex but be safe and same for men. That should be emphasized on both parts, not just one sided.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more! I think that we all worry too much about what others think about us without having to worry about being seen as a "slut" on top of it all! If is publicized for men to have fun and enjoy sex then it should be the same for women. Otherwise to get rid of the double standard there needs to be changes on both sides! But at the same time they should be educated on how to protect themselves (both men and women) from all the things out there such as STD's, pregnancy, etc.
DeleteI think it is important that we destigmatize sex for men and women and emphasize safety. I have no problem with men or women having sex, my problem is with their lack of education about where babies come from, the prevalence of STDs, and the importance of condoms and frequent testing to prevent both unwanted side effects from a healthy sex life. A healthy sex life promotes overall well-being, positive self image, and a deeper relationship with one's partner. I am not encouraging women or men to let their sexual adventures overtake their academic pursuits, I am more concerned about their status as informed citizens of the sexual network we participate in.
ReplyDeleteI agree Bailey! Promoting a HEALTHY sex life is important for both men and women and therefore we also need to embrace that concept as a society. Educating kids and young adults about what it means to have a healthy sex life is really important and I think that would be a step in the right direction towards the right kind of education for the future! All the points you made about education are completely on point and would be a great way to start a new education movement!
DeleteBrogan, you provide some very interesting points about the double standard here. I believe that women are pressured more than men to be these perfect little angels when in reality, men should have to think twice about some of the decisions they are making for themselves. As we have discussed in many classes and throughout some of these readings, women have this pressure of being a virgin and being pure, but what about men? Shouldn't they have this same standard to uphold? This makes me very upset to hear men calling women who have lost their virginity sluts or whores. What are these men who sleep around with countless women supposed to be called then? Oftentimes, I feel that men are getting praised for how far they go with women and how many girls they can get. This just makes me very upset to think that this standard is set just for women and not men.
ReplyDeleteBrea I agree! It breaks my heart to hear how people talk about each other. Maybe if we hear people talking about stuff like this we should all do a better job of calling them out. I know I did in high school whenever it was brought up by someone I knew but I think personally I should work on calling people out on it that I don't know. It is a small step but if everyone took small steps like that it could help people open up their minds and see a bigger picture rather than what they did last weekend. Also maybe people should be required to take a gender and women's studies class in order to graduate from college. We preach "well-rounded education" in the United States! Why not include a class or two on stuff that is so important in every day life!
DeleteI definitely agree with you, great blog Brogan!! I remember in junior high the school I went to split up the boys and the girls for sex ed class, I wonder how the boys's talk went, and if it was about being careful and protecting yourself and your virginity. I hate how there is a double standard, and men are taught to have fun, and sleep with lots of girls, whereas women are taught to protect themselves and be careful. I think in order to get rid of the double standard there has to be changes from both sides!
ReplyDeleteWow that is so interesting! I can't believe that they actually split you guys up based off of your sex to talk about education! That in itself is building up the double standard. Even if their thoughts were that it would be "embarrassing" for either party I still disagree with that! I never had that kind of exposure because I was home schooled from 3rd grade until my sophomore year of high school so I missed out on the public school program for sex ed and I relied on my mom. I agree that in order to get rid of such a huge double standard program that there should be reform on both sides, although I'm not sure exactly how to go about it. Thank you for your insight!
DeleteHi Brogan,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your blog post. Although I knew that this was one of the issues in gender, I have a better understanding of it now after reading your article. In response to your question. I think that both sexes should be educated in the same way about sex. Both need to realize the responsibility that comes with sex.
Your next question about how we change the mentality that sex isn't about masculinity and power is harder to answer. Masculinity and power has been in American society since the beginning. Although feminist have gone to great strides in the past, misogyny is still a huge problem in our society. The male power imagery behind sex is one example of this. We must find a way to change the identities behind sex.
The next question you ask could be a solution to this problem. We must promote the idea that it is ok for women to have sex. Maybe we could start by not saying "slut" as much as we do today. There is no negative word for a man who sleeps around a lot. Why is that? I also like what your mom said about sex. Our media portrays women and MEN sleeping around all the time with no repercussions and my mom has always been upset about this. I have always told her to not be so uptight, I can now see how these images might promote negative ideas about sex. Although I think that we must be more be more proactive and teach our children that sex is ok, I think that we must stop having these images in the media so girls and guys don't feel like they have to have sex even if they are not ready. I'm not saying that we should go back to the conservative 1950s. However, if children are taught that sex comes with certain responsibilities, maybe this negative connotation of sex will go away.
I think the thing I struggle with is how do we teach that it is okay for both men and women to have sex but also teach about the type of bond created from such an act. I feel there is no denying that for a lot of people their morals come into play and I feel like there should be that balance of saying sex is okay, be smart IF you do it, and also that it should be something special. I feel too many times it is blown off, both by men and women, and I have had friends tell me they wish they had realized the implications and consequences earlier so that way it is even more special for them when they do find their lifetime partner. I go back and forth so much on how to teach that it is okay and a beautiful part of life, hell it creates life, but not looking past the fact that it is something special and shouldn't be handed away to just anyone.
DeleteBrogan,
ReplyDeleteI really liked reading your blog post. However, I do not believe the issue here is education. I feel that standardized sex education (the type found in school) already covers things like STDs and pregnancy. I believe the real issue comes from people's values and beliefs. The men who believe that it is ok to use women have probably been raised that way, and they will probably raise their sons that way as well. There is nothing that can be done about that. I do not believe there is a one size fits all approach to sex and relationships. What I do believe is that like minded people attract, so individuals who value the power of sex or value monogamy will attract and eventually find each other, while those who participate on a more frequent recreational basis will search out like minded partners. I do not feel that the issue lies in name calling, but rather being comfortable living one's own life.
I think you bring up some interesting points Nicole. I wonder though if men are truly raised to use women. I feel like that is addressed more in media and other forms rather than from their actual parents. I don't think that a father would sit down with his son and say, "Son, it is okay to use women to get whatever you want out of them". Then again that could be me just being naive, which a lot of the time I am. I would sincerely hope that those types of conversations are not taking place. Another point is that standardized sex education already covers issues with sex. In a comment above Mieke said they split up the boys and girls while they were having this kind of education. I think that by doing that the whole system is saying that a different kind of education when it comes to sex is okay, rather than everyone learning about the men's side and women's side of sex education. Once again I don't have much experience with the whole public sex education because I was home schooled during that time and wasn't exposed to that because my parents, meaning my mom, was the one to educate me. Maybe we should approach sex as a moral education instead? Teach kids and young adults that it is something special and not something to just throw around with whoever, but rather to save yourself for someone special because it will be that much more special. Maybe add a more personal level to "the talk". If this were to take place maybe we could get rid of some violence or some objectification of both men and women. Instead of teaching it as power for men and impurity for women, teach it as moral to share yourself and your body with someone special when you are of a decent proper age. What do you think?
DeleteI really enjoyed reading this post. I have one older sister and three younger brothers and our "talks" were completely different. My family is also Catholic so I learned a lot about sexuality in the eyes of the church. My sister and I were taught that we should be respectable girls which means that we should not sleep around. My brothers were taught that they should always be safe and be sure not to get any girls pregnant. The differences in these talks is huge but they were given by the same parents. I also learned in school that a man would not want to take you as is wife if any other man had "been there first". We were taught that purity is extremely important but only in girls. I think it is so interesting that women are held to such different standards than men in modern society. I have friends that are boys and they will sleep with a girl and then say that she is obviously a slut. I always find this interesting because the girl was obviously not the only one involved but she is the one who is ridiculed for her actions. I think that it will take a change in the media presentation of women and men's morality based on sexual activity for there to be a change.
ReplyDeleteYou are totally right Colleen! Sex involves more than one person! So why is it that only one gets ridiculed and sometimes humiliated? I am personally not religious which is why I find anything that has religion a part of the debate so interesting. It is interesting how your parents gave the talk differently to you and your sister than how they gave it to your brothers. Just a thought, but if every girl is told what you were, and every boy was told what your brothers were, then how would society turn out? Would men just pursue women and get no where because of what the women were taught about sex? I'm not saying it is a good or bad, right or wrong thing but I think it is so interesting. If, in general because I'm stereotyping a lot here, men followed what they were told, basically to have fun but be safe and don't get someone pregnant, and women followed their stereotype of "must remain pure" then what kind of place would that create, mostly socially? There obviously isn't an answer for something like that but it is interesting to think about. If people did as they were told and never went outside of the box I feel like we would live in an "interesting" society.
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